Relationships - On Recons, Rediscovery, and Reunion

Hi there,

Sorry for not writing for a long time. Laptop broke, and it was hard to blog from phone and tablet. Quite a few things happened this week though. I moved out from dorm! Finally! I can move forward! I can move forward with life. Though it was hard for me 

A friend has reconciled with me. Having a conflict with anybody doesn't give me a soft pillow at night, so I guess despite the cold treatment I'm getting for the past weeks, a simple response is enough for me to know that person's okay now. 

I hate conflicts. Gawd who doesn't (which makes me realize it's quite possible, for some people I know blurt things out just for the hell of it, resulting annoyance and much worse - conflicts). You can count in my hand  (in one hand) how many people I've had any forms of disagreement, misunderstandings or the like. It's either I don't put effort in arguing with them, or I just don't give a fuck to make any rebuttals. Conflict gives me the fear to interact and react with people. But let's face the fact, that it's naturally occurring part of our lives. I am a people person but I'm not a social butterfly What's lower to the hierarchy of being a social butterfly, I might be definitely that kind of person. 

Also, for the longest time, I had this talk with an old "friend". This friend I used to date, during highschool. The puppy love, well not even puppy love, just the innocent kind of dating. We're "most" people are fine with going out and not just making out (but you know some HighSchool, haha). We didn't become a couple. But we're still friends. He moved to LA, where he was originally, found a career, house, and a family. Since he went to the States, we never talked, until I had my most devastating event of my life.

So this guy,  after he disappeared for nearly half a decade; suddenly came out from nowhere and comforted me from my breakup. Not just a breakup by the way, we're talking about a 12-year long relationship. I appreciate the kind words and praises, but I just don't understand why does he had ask me for "what ifs" when we were never an item in the first place. The fact that he has a family already, I don't think I should be entertaining questions like that. It just adds more garbage in my cluttered mind. It just makes my mind cloudier.  I guess it's just too late for that. Well, it took me some time to realize that I should be pissed. I wanna friggin' yell at him "Hey! Moron! Yeah, it was nice talking to you! And hearing those words is not a form of flattery for me. I maybe a bitch, yeah a bitch, because I know what I want, but I'm never a homewrecker."

To tell you the truth, I almost before. But I wasn't aware. It started before medschool. A co-worker. He's an attractive guy, but doesn't know he is one, or maybe pretends not to know. We met before medschool but we started dating when we both got out from our jobs, he started his business, and I went schooling again. We lost contact with each other for a couple of years. I just never thought that he'd ask me out; for the fact that he's everyone's eye candy. So we went out a couple of times. You might be asking "I thought you had a 12 year relationship?". Well, after finding out that my former bf cheated on me, I asked him that we let things cool it off a bit. I realized, I have been practically married to him since sixteen, its not that I regretted those times, it's just that I don't want him blaming him in the long run, that he stole my youth.   Well, to cut the story short, I dated with the consent of my bf. Sound strange isn't it? Well, it's the price he has to pay for. It's not a retribution actually. Rather more of a self rediscovery for me. But this guy is another liar-liar-pants-on-fire. Turned out that he's married! Yes! It's just disappointing for the fact that he was the one who asked me if I'm committed to someone, and I had asked him vice versa. Epic fail! Ahhh gawd, dating and relationships!

Relationship with people (in all forms) seems like an easy thing, but it's not. When I say in all forms , yeah, just like the Facebook status or even more specific than that. Friends, Dating, Friends with Benefits, Exes, or simply used to date, or whatever sub-form you could ever think of. I guess relationship has evolved as technology has. Thanks to social networking. The paradox of present relationships, we make friends online with people we barely talk with before. We are more reluctant to show simple gestures such as a kiss, and a hug, but we tend to be relentless in bed. We make love first before we get to know each other. We wait for who'd be the first one to label your relationship. And sometimes, phone batteries lasts longer than relationship statuses (I'm exaggerating on that part).  And why do we have so many labels? Are we just being clear and honest? Honest enough not to hurt ones feelings?

Honesty. It makes me ponder, do we really need to be honest all the times? How do you differentiate being tactless from being honest? If there's a thin line between the two things, where do you draw the line? If a person keeps preaching about "being real!" but to him, you're way of expressing yourself is just nothing but blurting things out, then what do you call that? Isn't it contradicting?

All I know in my heart, being single has freed from any stress that relationships used to give me. It gives me the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever and with whomever the hell I want with. No complications. But my life now is in mundane. Should I be thankful? I guess people will never be satisfied.

I'm leaving you with questions in your mind. Or if there aren't any, you might just have your own conclusion. I'm just too tired tonight. I can't think any further. My eyes are tired. But promise I will be writing you soon, Sweetie.


Love,
Mhel 

August 29, 2012

Dear Sweetie, 

 I just saw Bourne Legacy last night. I guess it was never too late to see it, though you can count the number of movie audiences in your fingers. I prefer watching movies that way, less noisy, not suffocating, and really, you don't enter a moviehouse to meet and hookup with new people. Going back, just have to see it, remember that I am compelled to watch it as it is like a national and social mandatory for us too see it just because ohg the fact that half of the movie scenes were shot in my homeland. Well, I will not dig deeper into details of the movie. It was too late for that. Most probably you've seen it way earlier than me, or you have no intention in seeing it because you're not a follower of the Bourne installment. 

 Anyway, after the movie, I had a late night cap with my sibs and friends. Yup we almost have the same circle of friends. Most of my friends are theirs, and their's are mostly my friends as well. Well a selected heirarchy of friends (nope, I don't know exactly the right term, but you can say "closest". Yeah I guess that's the simplest way of putting it). So, my closest friends become theirs, and their closest become mines too. For me it is one of the few ways to have the healthiest relationship with your siblings. So while were having our coffee, we were trying to coach my cousin for his interview tomorrow. I forgot what kind of competiton is that. He is a fashion designer by the way. And if he aces this interview, he can have the chance for the full scholarship in fashion designing in London. The questions aren't easy to answer. It was more than a beauty pageant question. I don't think I would be able to give a moving answer. It has to constructed in a manner that it will impress and compel the British Council to accept you. 

 What are the ingredients for answering perfectly I asked myself. In this level, it has to be a little bit of everything - in general and direct, but some dash of abstract thinking. Doesn't have to be too critical, but realistic in a sense. Moving. With conviction. Impressive, but not intimidating. With pride but not too proud. With a challenging spirit, but not taunting. Above all, I told my cousin, "When in doubt with your answers, just be plain honest and sincere." I guess everyone would appreciate it more than anything else. Stick to the basics, just like fashion "less is more". Just like the Occam's Razor principle which I live by "When there are two ways in explaining things, chose the simpler." Today is his interview the British Council in Fashion. Before he left, I told him to "PRAY".

 "Pray...." It's what we always say when things aren't sure. When always in doubt. When we want guidance. When were weary. And when were grateful. Or simply, when we just want to talk to the Big Guy above. I am not a religious person. I maybe spiritual, but not religious. There's a difference between the two. I believe in God. I just don't have a name for Him. Am I confused or enlightened? Either way, no one can really know the truth, even if every faith says they do.... unless you die, and get there. But for now, I am not prepared to know that yet. All I know that there's someone up there, you do good unto others, and you don't debate who has the better God, and lastly, you respect the faith of the others. Anyway, catcha later Sweetie. I'll just have a quick fix, then I'll get back to you.... 

 Love, 

 Mhel

This Day

Dear Sweetie, 

      How's your day today? Me? Today? Today USED to be a very important day for me. Well at least for the past 11 years of my life. It's been more than a year, and 2 Augusts have passed, and I realized that I have been saying the same things, as if it still matters to me as much as it still does to that person. Pretty sure it still does for him; after all it's still his big day. Nevertheless... I have no idea if that person is thinking the same thing. And even if he did, I don't know where he had thought the same thing for two Augusts, or maybe just this August. It doesn't matter now. 

     Anyway, do you know that today is also the burial of a very important person? Technically, if you insist, it's a cremation and an inurnment, then I stand corrected. This important person - A family guy, a humble servant, a great leader and they say the New Rizal of today. He made "good governance" possible and achievable once again. He was given a 3-Volley Honor, 19 gun salute, but above all the whole nation got united and grieved for the great loss. This marks a more Important Day to many compared to my USED to be. 

     This day also marks to be my first letter to you. As if you would respond (laugh.... sigh....) I don't actually need one. Why am I writing to you Sweetie? And why I'm even naming you Sweetie? Why am I re-opening this old blog? I don't know. Maybe Dear Diary is so last decade, and Dear Sweetie sounded more personal, or sounded that I am talking to someone, but not in a hallucinatory way, lol. Maybe I just want someone to talk to, or maybe not at all. You know that feeling that you just want to tell someone about something, but you don't necessarily need a piece of advice in return? So basically, this is what it means. I don't necessarily need someone to read my rants, but thank you if someone does. I don't really need someone commenting, but thank you if someone does show some concern and connection.  Essentially, you just want to be heard, or even if not, at least just able to let it all out. I don't want to sound complicated, complex, and perplexed, but it is what it is. Maybe it's a form of therapy that I needed a long time ago. Maybe I should have done this a long time ago. Maybe it's my kind of catharsis, aside from music, art, and reading literatures - having my own literature. 


    I have been blogging since medschool days, I have talked about food, friends, places, clothes, and even politics, but never had I wrote anything about myself. Maybe because everytime I visit personal blogs, it's either the posts are too long and nothing really interesting to read about, especially if I don't know the writer personally. There comes to a point when blogging is more of a social game. The pressures of posting something catchy, comment game that each one of us has to keep it rolling. It's superficial. To the point that I slowly disappeared from the blogosphere, just because the network system is very tiring. I switched to microblogging - Twitter, which was also fun and challenging, in such a way you have to be smarter to say something in less than a certain number of characters. Not only that you are not obliged to react to get a certain interaction.

     Every once in a while, I still blog (digital) . I admit, I just can't get it out of my system - I talk too much (analog). Only with more variety. But this time, I do not stick to a certain theme anymore. I mean, food is still my passion, I USED to blog about food. I'm not technically culinary trained, I may not have the most critical palate, but everyone knows how passionate I am about cooking and eating, well I meant, dining! Because it's a different thing. I believe dining brings people together, gives a better understanding about different cultures, breaks borders, and in the simplest Occam's Razor principle - It makes people HAPPY. I think gluttony is the deadliest sin I enjoy the most. I am guilty as charged for it. Beyond reasonable doubt. 

     I think my love for those things just died for a moment. For a moment, when everything in me died. Do I blame that USED to be? Well if you will ask me a year ago, I would definitely say "Yes"! We all do actually. We all blame the past. We all blame our past. We all blame who we were involved with in the past. We all blame the ones who got away from our lives. It may sound a cliche' , but it's true, in the end, we will all thank them for letting us go, and letting it all happen. We won't be wiser enough than yesterday, we won't be stronger enough to carry the weight we used to think was a heavy load, we won't be grateful enough for the everyday blessings, and we won't be as appreciative enough of the simple joys of the littlest things each day. 

    Gotta go Sweetie. Today is my younger brother's first jobless day. It sound ugly, let's just say today is his emancipation from white 'collar' slavery. So another meaning for this day again. He resigned from work, which got effective yesterday. I haven't seen Bourne Legacy, where in 2/3 of the movie was shot here in the Philippines. I think I am the last Pinoy who hasn't seen the film. Am I keeping up with the hype? Or am I just too proud that it was shot here. I guess it's more of a social mandatory for me lol. I just have to see it, as a movie buff, and as a Filipino. I'm not being to proud, I'm just CURIOUS how are they going to portray a typical "Filipino setting". My brother Jay has seen it, and he's just accompanying me, well technically speaking, I am treating him.

     I used to watch movies alone, especially when my ex's abroad. I got used to it, I actually don't mind being a loner, since I love watching movies, until a friend told me that it was a "loserish" thing to do. I should always invite a friend, that's what she said. I mean, what if nobody's available. I hate bothering people. Since then, I started minding what people might say. I never eat alone, never watch movies alone, except when shopping. Though my ex was a good guy who can accompany me with shopping for hours and would even help me with my choices. After all, we dress for our men, not for other women.

    Errkay I'm talking too much again. I need to prep up. Will talk to you later. Definitely after movies, will be having our coffee and nonstop chatting. My brother is actually being jocular about us watching Bourne today "Are we celebrating something?" Yeah right!! I'm celebrating today, trying to start a clean slate once again, and hopefully this first letter to you Sweetie, is another step that will help me get through that process.Talk to you soon. 

 Love,

 Mhel

Moving out....

Apparently, to be approved as
a featured publisher in some food blogs,

 I would have  to say goodbye to 
Em's Premature Eblogulation....... :-((

And ..... Welcome to my new blog....

Pens, Pans, and Puns

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