Sunday, September 16, 2012

Relationships - On Recons, Rediscovery, and Reunion

Hi there,

Sorry for not writing for a long time. Laptop broke, and it was hard to blog from phone and tablet. Quite a few things happened this week though. I moved out from dorm! Finally! I can move forward! I can move forward with life. Though it was hard for me 

A friend has reconciled with me. Having a conflict with anybody doesn't give me a soft pillow at night, so I guess despite the cold treatment I'm getting for the past weeks, a simple response is enough for me to know that person's okay now. 

I hate conflicts. Gawd who doesn't (which makes me realize it's quite possible, for some people I know blurt things out just for the hell of it, resulting annoyance and much worse - conflicts). You can count in my hand  (in one hand) how many people I've had any forms of disagreement, misunderstandings or the like. It's either I don't put effort in arguing with them, or I just don't give a fuck to make any rebuttals. Conflict gives me the fear to interact and react with people. But let's face the fact, that it's naturally occurring part of our lives. I am a people person but I'm not a social butterfly What's lower to the hierarchy of being a social butterfly, I might be definitely that kind of person. 

Also, for the longest time, I had this talk with an old "friend". This friend I used to date, during highschool. The puppy love, well not even puppy love, just the innocent kind of dating. We're "most" people are fine with going out and not just making out (but you know some HighSchool, haha). We didn't become a couple. But we're still friends. He moved to LA, where he was originally, found a career, house, and a family. Since he went to the States, we never talked, until I had my most devastating event of my life.

So this guy,  after he disappeared for nearly half a decade; suddenly came out from nowhere and comforted me from my breakup. Not just a breakup by the way, we're talking about a 12-year long relationship. I appreciate the kind words and praises, but I just don't understand why does he had ask me for "what ifs" when we were never an item in the first place. The fact that he has a family already, I don't think I should be entertaining questions like that. It just adds more garbage in my cluttered mind. It just makes my mind cloudier.  I guess it's just too late for that. Well, it took me some time to realize that I should be pissed. I wanna friggin' yell at him "Hey! Moron! Yeah, it was nice talking to you! And hearing those words is not a form of flattery for me. I maybe a bitch, yeah a bitch, because I know what I want, but I'm never a homewrecker."

To tell you the truth, I almost before. But I wasn't aware. It started before medschool. A co-worker. He's an attractive guy, but doesn't know he is one, or maybe pretends not to know. We met before medschool but we started dating when we both got out from our jobs, he started his business, and I went schooling again. We lost contact with each other for a couple of years. I just never thought that he'd ask me out; for the fact that he's everyone's eye candy. So we went out a couple of times. You might be asking "I thought you had a 12 year relationship?". Well, after finding out that my former bf cheated on me, I asked him that we let things cool it off a bit. I realized, I have been practically married to him since sixteen, its not that I regretted those times, it's just that I don't want him blaming him in the long run, that he stole my youth.   Well, to cut the story short, I dated with the consent of my bf. Sound strange isn't it? Well, it's the price he has to pay for. It's not a retribution actually. Rather more of a self rediscovery for me. But this guy is another liar-liar-pants-on-fire. Turned out that he's married! Yes! It's just disappointing for the fact that he was the one who asked me if I'm committed to someone, and I had asked him vice versa. Epic fail! Ahhh gawd, dating and relationships!

Relationship with people (in all forms) seems like an easy thing, but it's not. When I say in all forms , yeah, just like the Facebook status or even more specific than that. Friends, Dating, Friends with Benefits, Exes, or simply used to date, or whatever sub-form you could ever think of. I guess relationship has evolved as technology has. Thanks to social networking. The paradox of present relationships, we make friends online with people we barely talk with before. We are more reluctant to show simple gestures such as a kiss, and a hug, but we tend to be relentless in bed. We make love first before we get to know each other. We wait for who'd be the first one to label your relationship. And sometimes, phone batteries lasts longer than relationship statuses (I'm exaggerating on that part).  And why do we have so many labels? Are we just being clear and honest? Honest enough not to hurt ones feelings?

Honesty. It makes me ponder, do we really need to be honest all the times? How do you differentiate being tactless from being honest? If there's a thin line between the two things, where do you draw the line? If a person keeps preaching about "being real!" but to him, you're way of expressing yourself is just nothing but blurting things out, then what do you call that? Isn't it contradicting?

All I know in my heart, being single has freed from any stress that relationships used to give me. It gives me the freedom of doing whatever I want, whenever and with whomever the hell I want with. No complications. But my life now is in mundane. Should I be thankful? I guess people will never be satisfied.

I'm leaving you with questions in your mind. Or if there aren't any, you might just have your own conclusion. I'm just too tired tonight. I can't think any further. My eyes are tired. But promise I will be writing you soon, Sweetie.


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